Empty. Like a shell. Nothing. Absolutely feel nothing. Searching for the “old “ Me.
Where am I? What happened? Help!!!!! Help!!!!!

Don’t understand. Don’t have a clue what happened. My last normal memories of me is 10 days ago , Wednesday, driving down to the lake. Were fooling around with the camera, took some selfies. I am smiling on them. Have a vague memory of having a pina colada at the bar with M, while doing his homework.

Pina colada that didn’t taste good, could barely finish the first one. From then on, all went wrong.
As each day past, reached new fever records. Me, who can do pneumonia with just temperature barely above 37, this time was approaching 40.

At the beginning I had plenty of time in between the high fever periods, later it got less and less, till I got into a constant state of high temperature that nothing could budge, no medicine, cold compress, nothing.

Later on I found out that I got seriously dehydrated, but by then I lost track of time, telling my son to go down to eat at the restaurant at regular intervals, watching him roller skate down by the lake from my bed. Sometimes I thought he is inside when he was actually outside, or vice versa, was getting confused.

Asked for help. My friend who I helped so many times, told me that I am at the right place, at least M can eat, we are in a hotel, it is safe. But I knew that there is no way I can drive back up to the city.

While still well enough made a wise decision of asking my son’s father to come.
And he came.

Remember him walking in in the morning saying “ Superman has arrived, you can stop worrying .”

And so I did. Packed up and drove back to the city.

At homeI got worse and worse, till we had to call a doctor. Must have scared him because he insisted on calling an ambulance to take me to the hospital.

With my last strength I fought and refused to go, offered to sign the paper that I am staying home at my own responsibility.

You see, the state of the government hospitals is not exactly perfect, had this picture of me slowly dying in there, catching even more germs, bacterias. How would a run down hospital help me get better?

So cried, begged, cried some more and I stayed home. Promised to drink plenty of fluids. And I started to get better.

His Dad took over everything, I just had to stay in bed and concentrate on getting all sorts of liquids down my throat.

He took our son to school, did the shopping ( 2-3 times a day, because I always came up with something I felt like eating …), entertained me, because for some reason I hated being on my own. In the afternoons he picked M up, took him to tennis practice, took him bowling, they went shopping, to the movies, dinners, breakfasts, bought birthday present for his friend’s party he got invited to, basically they did everything together.

This was a first. I am glad that this happened. I am still feeling very weak and emotional, but I think now I know that he has a Dad.
He might not be the type I imagined a Dad should be, he might never go hiking with him, or roller-skate down the street, but he is his Dad, and he takes his job seriously. I am crying again.

You have no idea how tiring it is to raise a child on your own. Always alone, when he is sick, when you are sick, to be there for all the competitions, parties, school assemblies, piano concert, Xmas concert. Alone. No one to share the joys and worries of parenthood. We did discuss certain things over the phone or in person, but he always kept his distance. Enjoying only the good things, yet when discipline time came, he was off, did not want to get into confrontation with his son, not to spoil their few days together.

I think he finally got it. This was the first time ever I felt I can rely on him. Maybe I just did not let him be, always stepping in, trying to solve everything.

Me being bedridden gave him the chance to be a Dad. And so he did.

As for me…. I am getting better. Hoping whatever I feel or more like don’t feel it is the side effect of the antibiotic I am taking.

A told me to think of Barcelona. Hmmm, thinking…nothing.
Got the ultimate macro lens for my camera …nothing.
Spring is here, the cherry trees are flowering …nothing.

Is this depression?